it was only a dream...
it was only a dream, but then it felt so real, it was difficult to shake it loose.
the thoughts of my life ending often enter my mind. it is not so much of an actual act of committing a suicide, but ending up dying in some natural or accidental cause. i am not sure what it is that makes me want to die, but it probably is more of not wanting to live...
speeding through the curvy coast lines of northern california, at one moment of weakness, i make a decision. my car hits the barrier and flies down the cliff. for one moment, i was so sure of what i wanted… for one moment, everything captured so perfectly in my mind… the breeze, the water, the sky, the clouds, all perfectly captured…
as my car floats in the air about to plummet to the bottom of the cliff edge populated with jagged rocks, i turn to her and kiss her for the last time. it was what we both wanted…
then my mind escapes the moment… now, my eyes see my mother in despair, broken hearted, losing her own reason to go on as I give up mine… at that moment, all I can think of is… i want to live… i want to live…
frantically i try to hold on to the tree limbs that hang over the cliff edge as my body violently flings out of the car. i reach out to grab a tree limb, but my hands do not clasp fast enough to get a grip. my mind speaks to me... its too late now... its too late now... but i can't give up. i see a large tree in front of me, i try to hug it and hold on to it. but as my body speeds toward the tree, my head hits first, and i lose consciousness. still i can hear from a far…in the back of my delusional head… i want to live… i want to live… it's too late now... it's too late now...
my eyes open… it was a dream…
tonight, i am going to have dinner with my mom. i don’t spend much time with her, but at least, i have been financially supporting her and maybe that is enough. i keep telling myself i need to spend more time with her, but then i have come to realize that i am not perfect, and i never will be perfect. i have to live my own life and do the best i can…
even though i don’t spend much time with her, she is my reason to go on, and she is the reason i would fight to stay alive… that is all…
the thoughts of my life ending often enter my mind. it is not so much of an actual act of committing a suicide, but ending up dying in some natural or accidental cause. i am not sure what it is that makes me want to die, but it probably is more of not wanting to live...
speeding through the curvy coast lines of northern california, at one moment of weakness, i make a decision. my car hits the barrier and flies down the cliff. for one moment, i was so sure of what i wanted… for one moment, everything captured so perfectly in my mind… the breeze, the water, the sky, the clouds, all perfectly captured…
as my car floats in the air about to plummet to the bottom of the cliff edge populated with jagged rocks, i turn to her and kiss her for the last time. it was what we both wanted…
then my mind escapes the moment… now, my eyes see my mother in despair, broken hearted, losing her own reason to go on as I give up mine… at that moment, all I can think of is… i want to live… i want to live…
frantically i try to hold on to the tree limbs that hang over the cliff edge as my body violently flings out of the car. i reach out to grab a tree limb, but my hands do not clasp fast enough to get a grip. my mind speaks to me... its too late now... its too late now... but i can't give up. i see a large tree in front of me, i try to hug it and hold on to it. but as my body speeds toward the tree, my head hits first, and i lose consciousness. still i can hear from a far…in the back of my delusional head… i want to live… i want to live… it's too late now... it's too late now...
my eyes open… it was a dream…
tonight, i am going to have dinner with my mom. i don’t spend much time with her, but at least, i have been financially supporting her and maybe that is enough. i keep telling myself i need to spend more time with her, but then i have come to realize that i am not perfect, and i never will be perfect. i have to live my own life and do the best i can…
even though i don’t spend much time with her, she is my reason to go on, and she is the reason i would fight to stay alive… that is all…
posted by larrykim | 3:27 PM
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