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Location: huntsville, alabama, United States

i am an addict of laughter and also sadness. i guess basically i am very confused...

Monday, August 27, 2007

enigma

i am not sure how i got here. my head is pounding and i haven't gotten a decent night's sleep in days. it wasn't suppose to be like this... i say to myself. it always seems to lead me here though. that feeling of emptiness and my body aching with imaginery pains created by my own mind... my brain is not suppose to be my enemy. my thoughts are not suppose to control me and hurt me...

she asks me... what is your weakness? i hesitate to answer. even though i know the answer too well, i don't want to hear myself say it, and i don't want her to hear me say it...

my weakness is... love. i love too much too fast... i lose self-control and that makes me lose self-respect... and that always leads me to sadness... that is what i tell her. but i know too well, the problem is that i idealize love and reality never lives up to my fantasy.

she looks at me with her big brown eyes as if searching for the truth beyond my eyes into the deep misty depth of my soul. i didn't turn away, i just stared back into her eyes hoping to see what she is seeing... but, only thing i could see was her big beautiful brown eyes staring at me...

you facstinate me, she says... i wonder if she knows what she is doing to me. i wonder if she knows that she is torturing me with those words. i have dreampt of those words. i have lived for those words to be said to me. but, for some reason, that is not enough. i just don't, i just simply do not.... believe her.

the truth is always difficult to discern from many lies. i have heard too many lies in my life, and none of them ever seems to be simple lies with pure deception, but manipulation of the truth to achieve the desired effect from the other person.

so, i close my heart again, and walk away.

i have to go. i just can't allow myself to be weak, i just can't allow myself to open my heart and lose self-control. because that is all that i have left in me...

but, i know too well that i have already lost that which is so important to me. and for that i will pay the price...

2 Comments:

Blogger MatthewWilliams said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

August 31, 2007 at 10:41 PM  
Blogger Memphis Steve said...

That is what we all want. Sooner or later you have to risk it all in order to have what you really want.

September 14, 2007 at 3:49 PM  

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