stardom
since i was a little boy, i have dreamed of being a star... of what? ... i have no idea. but, i just wanted to be a star. a movie star, a rock star, a soccer star, a synchronized swimming star... i don't care, i just wanted to be a star, okay?
recently, i started to think about why i really wanted to be a star. what was it about being a star that i desired so intensely... and it finally hit me like a ton of bricks. it is a stalker that i desire. that's right. i want my own stalker. someone who will watch me from a far, breaking into my house when i am not home, going through my stuff, calling me at all hours of the day and night, and even threatening to kill me because if she can't have me than no one can. man, wouldn't that be just awesome!!! i mean, to me, that is like the ultimate love and sacrifice.
anyway, it has always been a distant dream that i could never have... or was it? a few days ago, this woman (whom i shall call "bambie" to maintain her anonymity) offered to be my very own stalker. i could not believe it. could this be really happening to me? i mean... it's too good to be true. i got down on my knees and said... please, if this is a dream, don't wake me...
well, so far i have not heard back from my stalker, but i am sure she will soon mail me a note using the letters from some newspaper and magazine clippings. i can hardly wait. anyway, just in case, she gets hit by a truck or heaven forbid... lose interest in me, i was hoping maybe i could recruit a back-up-stalker. would anyone be interested? i know i am asking a lot of time and effort on this, but come on.... i have given so much to stalkerism, i deserve one...
anyway, since i have had so much experience with stalking, i thought maybe i could help out with few tips to my new stalker. so, here it goes...
1. unlike other stalkies, i am very cooperative, so please don't hesitate to ask me for my house key. i really don't want any windows broken, please.
2. while you are in my house, would you mind throwing a few of my whites in the washing machine? warm wash/cold rinse, large load, and delicate cycle please...
3. sometimes i forget to turn off my coffee machine before going to work, so if you could check and turn it off if it happens to be on, i would appreciate it.
4. if you want any pictures of me, don't bother buying a camera, i will lend you mine. it already has some pictures of me in it to save you some time.
5. okay, if you are still around when my washing machine goes off, would you mind putting them in the dryer? thanks, again
6. don't forget to lock the door before you leave... if you decide to stay in my closet, please don't make any noise after midnight... i really need my beauty rest... thanks in advance :-)
well, i guess that is about all the advice i have for now. if you have any other questions, please don't hesitate to call me, marsha. (ooops, i wasn't suppose say your name)
recently, i started to think about why i really wanted to be a star. what was it about being a star that i desired so intensely... and it finally hit me like a ton of bricks. it is a stalker that i desire. that's right. i want my own stalker. someone who will watch me from a far, breaking into my house when i am not home, going through my stuff, calling me at all hours of the day and night, and even threatening to kill me because if she can't have me than no one can. man, wouldn't that be just awesome!!! i mean, to me, that is like the ultimate love and sacrifice.
anyway, it has always been a distant dream that i could never have... or was it? a few days ago, this woman (whom i shall call "bambie" to maintain her anonymity) offered to be my very own stalker. i could not believe it. could this be really happening to me? i mean... it's too good to be true. i got down on my knees and said... please, if this is a dream, don't wake me...
well, so far i have not heard back from my stalker, but i am sure she will soon mail me a note using the letters from some newspaper and magazine clippings. i can hardly wait. anyway, just in case, she gets hit by a truck or heaven forbid... lose interest in me, i was hoping maybe i could recruit a back-up-stalker. would anyone be interested? i know i am asking a lot of time and effort on this, but come on.... i have given so much to stalkerism, i deserve one...
anyway, since i have had so much experience with stalking, i thought maybe i could help out with few tips to my new stalker. so, here it goes...
1. unlike other stalkies, i am very cooperative, so please don't hesitate to ask me for my house key. i really don't want any windows broken, please.
2. while you are in my house, would you mind throwing a few of my whites in the washing machine? warm wash/cold rinse, large load, and delicate cycle please...
3. sometimes i forget to turn off my coffee machine before going to work, so if you could check and turn it off if it happens to be on, i would appreciate it.
4. if you want any pictures of me, don't bother buying a camera, i will lend you mine. it already has some pictures of me in it to save you some time.
5. okay, if you are still around when my washing machine goes off, would you mind putting them in the dryer? thanks, again
6. don't forget to lock the door before you leave... if you decide to stay in my closet, please don't make any noise after midnight... i really need my beauty rest... thanks in advance :-)
well, i guess that is about all the advice i have for now. if you have any other questions, please don't hesitate to call me, marsha. (ooops, i wasn't suppose say your name)
posted by larrykim | 5:14 PM
12 Comments:
It's a shame you can't use different fonts on here. You know the one I mean, the ransom font?
So let me get this straight, Your Grace, what you're really looking for is stalker/domestic goddess/occassional maid type? Is that about right?
I think I'm up for it. No commitment though, I mean I'll commit to being your stalker and all, I'll even sign the traditional stalker contract, soon to follow but none of those sticky mushy touchy feelings allright?
That would be in violation of the stalker contract and would instantly become null and void.
And as far as your back-up goes, got it covered. She's very responsible, highly talented and ready to go at a moments notice, but you already know who my on-call stalker is.
I was actually thinking about starting like a temp stalker firm, out motto would be like...if sometimes you get the feeling someone's watching you and you find the occassional pair of underware missing, do not fret, it's not a ghost or the fbi, it's just your local stalker; always on call to serve you when you need it the most. But then I'd worry that they'd unionize, course we'd just make a non-profit business.
I think it'll work.
i always wanted to be a star too...i wonder if i have the same problem, maybe all i need is a stalker and i'll be fulfilled huh? i guess that makes since, it would be sort of fun to have someone who cared more about what i did in my life than i do. it would be sort of like a little pet dog, someone following me around and all they wanted was a lil pat on the head, and maybe the opportunity to give me a big lick on th face. sounds good enough to me. oh but wait...i already have three of those! well they are'nt dogs but the sure do follow me around everday hoping to give me big huge peanut butter kisses. hmmm maybe instead of a stalker you could just borrow some kids from time to time, they're cheaper labor too! lol!
You are already a star and haven't you noticed the blog stalkers you have already? :)
Ok but I'm only in if I get to be all stealth and do the FBI type of hand signals they do when they go into a building or house looking for someone and they're all backs to the wall bending with the corners and then HIYA-ing the doors open with a swift kick and then perhaps end it with a charlie's angel pose...yeah definitly add that into my contract please. I wonder were I can find some S.W.A.T gear a jumpsuit of sorts perhaps at least until my Larry t-shirt arrives then that can be the official stalker uniform.
Good idea Stargirl! I like the whole Larry shirt being a uniform plan! I'm in!
Are you gonna HIYA-kick His Grace?
I don't think he's gonna go for that. Maybe a Hi Ya!
But not so much on the hiya!
Besides this isn't a Kung Fu movie, no pun intended, just your basic run of the mill chics stalking dudes.
okay, you all are having too much fun... did someone say chics stalking nude? oh wait, chics stalking dudes... my bad. got all excited for nothing. oh well...
That snickering you're hearing is only your closet stalker.
Dear Larry,
You might like to check out http://www.theartistsway.com where you can find out all about the book, The Artist's Way, by Julia Cameron. It's essentially a 12 week course for struggling artists, which helps them come to terms with their innate artistic qualities and put an end to the creative struggle! I highly recommend it. Some friends and I have done the first book, the second book and are now working on the third. You can see our progress at www.sacredartclub.blogspot.com
I wanted to see the total number of comments go up to 10! So I decided to leave a comment. So here it is:
I've had experience in stalking before, and I'm actually free at the moment, looking for a second job. However, I like to interview my stalkee, preferable from behind a camera lens at several hundred feet. The quality of the resulting prints and how much I can get for them on eBay helps determine the next step. So, don't call us, we'll call you.
Meg, I think you would do great at our stalker temp to permanant agency. There's no reason you should have to freelance it and go it alone. We carefully match you with the perfect victim I mean target.
Yes I can vouch for Meggie there, she was quite the stalker (lol! meggie, I know what you did last summer!-ok well awhile ago, but ya know ;)!)
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