funeral

today, i went to a funeral. there must have been close to thousand people there. i couldn't even get into the chapel where the funeral service was being held. i, along with hundreds of people, stood outside waiting... not sure what i was waiting for.

i ended up leaving after a while. i wondered how many of those people that were there felt really close to this person. surely, a person can not have this many close friends... neither was i a close friend. i just wanted to say goodbye to someone i once knew...

i didn't get to say goodbye, but then i felt okay because there were so many people that wanted to say goodbye...

my funeral, i am positive, will not have more than few relatives and very few friends. i have made sure that i did not have many friends. i am not sure why i do that, but i prefer to push people away than to be friends with people.

i think everyone will be happy at my funeral for having ample space and sitting room.

fairness

she asks me.... "how is that fair? how can there be God?"

i have never said life was fair, and though she seems to think that i am an eternal optimist, i am far from it. i haven't believed that life was fair for a very long time. but then, i don't think it needs to be. life is just life... it's not about what is given to you, but it is about what you do with what you have.

God... i believe there may be God... but if God is truly fair, God would just let things be.... which would be unfair to some (as some would see it), but then what is more fair than letting things be....

she wants to rescue a dog from a bad dog owner, but then i wonder if the dog would truly have chosen to leave his owner. she sees it so clearly that dog wants to be free from the owner, but i am not so sure. it's not that i no longer feel sympathy, it's not that i no longer hurt, it's that i no longer feel that i am the answer for any relief of sadness or hurt in this world.

i weep inside, but i am afriad to reach out my hand in an attempt to help because i am afriad it will end up causing more pain and heartache in the end.... i have a shoulder you can cry on, an ear to listen, and i will shed tears with you, but i can't make it go away or make things right.... i don't even know how to try....