last night i dreamt that i ate a ten pound marshmallow, and when i woke up my pillow was gone

i have been sick most of this week. i took off work wednesday and thursday. normally, i really am not that busy at work, but for some reason a lot of things happened at work thursday and i ended up getting four phone calls on my cell phone.

anyway, i had a strange dream while i was sick. i dreamt that i was brad and angelina's new baby. man.. wouldn't that be just awesome?

while i was sick i also had a chance to think about certain important aspects in my life, and i am happy to say that i think i have mastered how to act like a celebrity without actually being a celebrity. i think this is something i can sell to the public. i mean, lets face it, who does not want to be a celebrity?

you, too, can be a celebrity without any talent, without good looks, or without doing any hard work. all you have to do is just follow my easy twelve step program...

1. come up with an easy to remember name... like... larry
2. start producing products bearing your name... like... "sleep with larry with no regrets" pillow
3. drive around town in a limo or a hearse (only if you can't afford a limo)
4. start talking nasty about other people (this comes easy for most people)
5. if anyone talks about anything other than yourself in your presence quickly change the subject to you. if they don't want to talk about you... leave (most of celebrities don't have any friends, so don't worry if no one wants to be around you)
6. whenever you catch someone looking at you, spray mace and tell them to stay away from you (any public attention is a good attention)
7. talk about yourself in third person... larry is hungry, etc...
8. always carry some 8'x10' photos of yourself and offer people autographs. if they say yes, ask for some money.

if you want to know the rest of my secrets, please send $19.99 to:

i want to be famous too, larry
p.o.box 10001
hollywood, california 90210

october, national breast awareness month

i got all excited about october because i heard that it was national breast awareness month. it turns out that it is actually national breast cancer awareness month. which is quite different from what i thought...

anyway, i wrote a poem to commemorate this occasion (actually, i wrote in honor of breastiese everywhere...)

thine ripening breasts glistening in beauty,
like starry stars in the night of cloudless sky.
and all that's best of dark and bright,
meet in thine bosom and recess into thy cleavage.

still steadfast, still unchangeable,
pillow'd upon my fair love's ripening breast,
to feel for ever its soft fall and swell,
awake for ever in a sweet unrest...

oh, bosom, oh thine bosom,
like crests upon earth's sea shore
or snow upon the mountain peaks
thine breasts live on forever
in my heart, for ever more...

amen...

not everyone gets to be an astronaut when they grow up...

sometimes i wake up and go... dang, i am late to work again... and than i realize i am in my office already...

i have decided that i want to buy me a limo.... that way i can just drive around town like i am some type of a celebrity or something. also, i can put www.ipartywithlarry.com on the side of the limo which would be free advertising.

sometimes though, i wonder what it is that i am actually advertising... only thing i can really come up with is that i am trying to sell myself... or maybe, just maybe, i am hoping to meet a girl... i know it sounds little bit over the top to go to this length to meet a girl, but that is what i am good at... going way overboard...

i am thinking about purchasing an advertising space on one of those huge highway signs... it will say... larry kim, a man of integrity, "i may lie, but i will not lie about it."

people will look at the sign and think that i am running for some type of state office, but in fact, i am just advertising myself. maybe some girl will see the sign and go... hey, maybe i will date him... i don't know...

girls are like pianos, if they are not upright, they are grand...

as i was driving to meet my date, i started to wonder if there was going to sex later and if so, if i would be involved in it... i figured its our second date and i thought maybe i had a chance...

by the time i showed up, she has already got us a table and she has started on a glass of wine. i couldn't help but to notice her heaving bosoms that seems to say... "hey, fella', my eyes are up here, not down there" or "hey, look at me, i am ready to burst out of this shirt" or "hey you, i am as happy to see you as you are happy to see me" or "stop staring at me, you are creeping me out". i am not exactly sure what they were saying, but they were talking quite a bit.

anyway, we ordered our dinner and her mouth was moving, but i really didn't hear much because her breasts and i were having a meaningful conversation.

finally the check came and i was curious as to what she would do... because as i see it there are several things that can happen. she can say... i will pay for mine, or she can say... i will pay this time, or she can just ignore the check and just sit there. she did none of those... she said... i gotta go to the bathroom. wow... that was unexpected...

and then she asks for a doggy bag... wait just one minute here... a doggy bag. a doggy bag means only one thing... either she wants me to come with her to her house or she is trying to ditch me. well, needless to say... i drove home unhappy and unsatisfied... it's a good thing i didn't bother to buy condoms.

speaking of condoms, if you ever run out of condoms, what seems to work well for me is some saran wrap and duct tape... if you can get the girl to stop laughing for a minute, it works great, but it is a bitch to get it off though...

i can resist everything except temptation

i believe i may be suffering from narcissism...

yesterday, i went to lunch with two girls... let's just call them nancy and julie. it would be appropriate to call them that since those are their real names. anyway, their names are not important. what is important is that we were talking about something, and when i say we, what i mean is julie and nancy were talking about something that had nothing to do with me, something like kitchen appliances or dead relatives or something. i am not exactly sure because when people are talking and they are not talking about me, i just tend to tune out. and this is my point...

i am so consumed with myself that nothing else is interesting to me... i think i may be a diva, except i am not a woman, i am not that attractive (i am hoping that someone would pop in at this point and say.... oh, honey, of course you are, you are absolutely interesting looking), and i can't sing worth a dang... but i definitely do have a mind set of a diva.

before going any further, i would like to clarify at this point that i am not gay, and i don't think there is anything wrong with anyone being gay, i just am not gay. that's all... anyway, back to my point. should i be concerned about my narcissism?

i don't believe in pre-marital sex, that is why i don't plan to marry

i was watching tlc last night, not the female r&b group that sang "waterfalls" and "no scrubs", but the learning channel, which is one of my favorite channels next to history and discovery channel. i know you probably are surprised that the playboy channel is not my favorite, but honestly i don't have that channel. anyway, they had this documentary about "sex addicts". and it got me thinking...

according to them, i think i may be a sex addict. i mean, pretty much any time of the day, i will jump at a chance to have sex with a woman... well, maybe not an ugly one... but, you know, if she is kind of hot, then sure... well... unless, she happens to be a skank and i am afraid i may catch some type of std... but, other than that... my life revolves around trying to find someone to have sex with... except, sometimes, you don't wanna deal with the bitchiness and nagging afterwards, so you rather not have sex, so you wouldn't have to deal with that later... but other than that, i am all about having sex... well, except, sometimes, i prefer a nice cup of coffee and a chocolate cake because sometimes i just don't want to have to take a shower afterwards... and also, sometimes, girls can be very demanding... like this girl would tell me to get down on my knees and bark like a dog and try to stuff things up my butt... wait, that never happened to me... but, i have heard that stuff like that happens to some people...

anyway, my point is that... well, i hate sex... especially the part where i have to get money out of the atm machine to pay their pimp.

success is the ability to go from one failure to another with no loss of enthusiasm

well, the film turned out okay... who am i kidding? i didn't like it.... there were few scenes that i especially didn't like... and i think the problem was that i was in it, doh!

it is about 13 minutes long and i think it needs to be about 5 minutes long. it was rather painful for me to watch it. but, i have always been a bit critical.

anyway, this does not mean that i am going to give up my "acting" career. i am going to try to become better at it. i think i could be a good comedian type of guy. maybe... nah, who am i kidding, i don't want to work that hard for it.

i will put the film on my website soon, i just have to figure out how to do it. i really shouldn't even put it up... i am just embarrassing myself... but, then again... i am so good at it...

here is my rendition of billie jean... its still a work in progress, but i liked how the audience responded...

i am diagonally parked in a parrallel universe

so, my friend tom and i shot this short independent film. i wanted to title it "a karaoke singer", but tom wanted to call it "karaoke kim". as you can probably tell... i lost...

we are going to show it this saturday night. wish me luck...

the film is about this guy who lives for karaoke. it's kind of like saturday night fever except instead of disco dancing, this guy does the karaoke...

here are four of my favorite songs that i like to sing when i do karaoke...
1) redneck woman by gretchen wilson
2) shoop by salt and peppa
3) tyrone by eryka badu
4) billie jean by michael jackson

i have also tried the following, but did not go over too well...
1) no scrubs
2) genie in a bottle
3) i'm a slave four you
4) natural woman
5) i feel like a woman
6) i am woman

ummm... are you getting the theme i got going here... all i gotcha to say is that i am not gay. honest! if you are a woman and if you want me to prove that i am not gay. i will do it! come on, lets go! i will do it!

start everyday with a smile and get it over with

okay, so they are at it again. this news story is going around our office area. why can't they leave me alone?!?

TOKYO – The news out of Japan today is that an illegitimate son of Prince Akishino has been discovered – he has been living in the U.S. under the name Larry Kim.

This news comes on the heals of the birth of the new prince.
Earlier in a press conference, Prince Akishino proclaimed, “I was only 2 when Mr. Kim was born – the kid is not my son! This is absurd!”. The American media is speculating there is a huge cover up by the Japanese government.
When asked what he thought of his big brother, the infant prince could only cry – no doubt he realizes the significance of Mr. Kim being located.

Mr. Kim released a statement today, “Wow – this is great. And to think, all I wanted was to grow up to be was a Leprechaun”