mentally healthy lying liars...

i have found an article in scientific american minds that probed into lying. one interesting aspect in this article for me was that they determined that it is people who are able to lie to themselves that were much "healthier" mentally... meaning they suffered less from depression and had high self-esteem. basically, it boiled down to that people with high self-esteem tend to believe in lies about themselves. people who are brutally honest about themselves tend to be highly critical and suffer from low self-esteem and depression.

oh what price i must pay for being such a honest, intelligent, good-looking, extremely sensitive person that i am. this suffering of depression was all about my brutal honesty... but then again, maybe it had something to do with my self-pity... nah... that's rubish. i am too great of a person to suffer from such juvenile feelings...

happy happy joy joy

i am happy today. why? no reason at all... i just feel happy.

i think i have finally gotten over being sick. i haven't felt well in weeks. maybe my immune system needs some adjusting. i could also use a massage.

i think i may have obssessive compulsive disorder. there are several reasons i think this. one, i bite my nails. even though, now a days it is not severe and i am close to not doing it altogether. but, for the most of my life, i have been a serious nail-biter/skin-picker. two, i sometimes ruminate over an idea and just can't seem to let it go. most of the times, it is a negative thought. i try to steer myself away from such thoughts, but my mind just sometimes gets off on it's own. three, i tend to keep my house neat and it bothers me when things are out of place. this is not nearly as bad as it used to be. i guess because i have been depressed that i haven't really cared to keep my place neat, but when i am in a good mood, i tend to always clean and straighten things.

all this really makes me think that i am like a little child. maybe i will never grow up... but then, i guess i just need to be true to myself and keep myself happy...

life of pi

i have been sleeping a lot. it has been very therapeutic. in between naps and sleeps, i have been doing some reflecting as well...

last few years, i have lived my life with vigor, with a sense that i may die tommorrow, lets make the most out of each day, prescribing to cliche' so many young people cling to... carpe diem...

but now i realize, only thing this ideal has given me is a sense of anxiety, reaching for something that can never be reached, how can one ever fill limitless bounds, like a young prepubescent female gymnast striving for perfection, fighting time, holding on with hope against hope...

in the end, now i realize... only thing one is left with is... self-respect. being able to look at oneself in pride rather than disgust...

my new life begins now... not of trying to make the most out of every moment by pursuing happiness, excitement, fun... but in making most out of every moment by appreciating, seeing beauty in what was once plain, not searching for what is out there, but seeing what has always been there...

new chapter of my life... begins...

crayon in my brain

Homer
Originally uploaded by larrykim.

my favorite episode of simpsons is the one where they find out that homer simpson has a crayon stuck in his brain, and that has been keeping his brain from working full capacity. once they remove the crayon lodged in his brain, homer becomes as smart as lisa. only problem is... he becomes very disliked and unhappy. finally, homer decides that being stupid is bliss, and sticks a crayon back in his brain.

my thought... i need to stick a crayon up my nose until it gets lodged in my brain. i would like to think that most of my unhappiness is due to my high intellect (ha!) but none of my colleagues and friends buy into that. how stupid can they be!?! (ha!)

paradise lost

hiding under a beach unberella, i spent my weekend reading a book. there were many distractions... sea breeze that i can almost taste, warm sand forming perfectly around my feet, silly girls walking in groups laughing...

there was a woman with couple of kids struggling to carry all her belongings, but i did not get up to help. i was positive some other guy would help her... and someone did. she didn't even seem that appreciative, i guess that is just a sign of being an attractive woman.... never appreciate others help... and take everything for granted...

there is a music playing in my head. it's not a happy song. it's sad, yet sweet. i would do anything... i would do anything... for love...

the weekend was peaceful and i did enjoy my self induced boredom. some may call it serenity. i call it boredom. i do love dreaming of love that can never be... i do love living my life outside... watching others live their lives... like watching some tv show in the middle, not knowing the beginning or the ending... just seeing a small part with no plot...