girl scout cookies

i love girl scout cookies... i just love girl scout cookies, and i don't care who knows it. i would even go so far as to say that i even thought about kidnapping a girl scout so that i can have girl scout cookies all the time... espeically samoas...yum... and then i found out that girl scouts actually do not make these delicious treats, but rather, they get it from some cookie company somewhere. so, i decided at that point that i should not kidnap a girl scout. which by the way is a good thing, because as you may or may not know, kidnapping is a bad thing and are frowned upon in many states (even if it is just for the cookies).

i have eaten a box per day for last five days. my supply is getting low at this point and in about two weeks, i will be completely out of them, but for now... man, life is good...

i am actually surprised that there aren't many instances of girl scouts getting mugged though. i mean, they mug dominos delivery person, and my thinking is that it's not just for cash. i think it's mainly for the pizza. but i would hate to mug a dominos dude and get like four pizzas with anchovies or something. but hey, it's the risk you take when you mug someone.

so why not a girl scout? they are carrying lots of cookies and they probably are carrying some cash too. i guess there are some unwritten rules about mugging that i probably don't know about... i really should check into that... i hate to commit mugger's taboo, and be hated by every mugger in town... cuz i really am a people person, and i want to be liked by everyone...really...

sex survey

so, i took this survey. i don't know why... i guess i just can't say no to anything. anyway, it was a survey about human behavior. to be more specific... it had to do with human sexual behavior, which i did not realize until the end... anyway, here were some questions and my answers...

Question: what is off limits for you in the bedroom?
My Answer: my wallet...

Question: what is your favorite thing to do in the bedroom?
My Answer: sleep...

Question: how do you feel about oral?
My Answer: I think flossing is very important.

Question: what non-sexual activity really turns you on?
My Answer: picking a ripe melon at a produce...

Question: what turns you off?
My Answer: grandma cooking spagetti sauce nakkid. wait... i take that back... nothing.

Question: what advice do you have for opposite sex?
My Answer: for once, please, please, say... yes!

bless you...

i never quite understood why people say "bless you" when someone sneezes. someone long time ago told me that it came about during the great plague. when people were dropping dead left and right, they felt like they needed to do something to stop this epidemic, so they started to say ... "bless you" which really means... i hope you don't have the plague. but "i hope you don't have the plague" seemed little too long to be catchy, so they decided to just say "bless you". and what i mean by "they" is some drunk people sitting around some bar as most traditions tend to start that way.

if you ask me, it is more appropriate to say "bless you" when someone farts. because there can be some serious discomfort associated with that. i mean if you are bloated and feeling gassy, you deserve a "bless you" (except it should be said in a more sympathetic way rather than in a cheerful manner). someone who just had their nostrils tickled by some small foreign object does not deserve my "bless you". for someone who just farted, now that my friend is true blessing, a cheerful blessing.

so, i am once again on a crusade. crusade to stop saying "bless you" when someone sneezes, but to only use "bless you" when someone farts. as chance would have it, i had an occasion to use this today. i think i actually embarrassed some old lady by doing that. i guess she thought nobody heard her .... accidental gaseous eruption, but it was just so obvious. the sound resonated like string quartet in a concert hall, subtle yet powerful... anyway, perhaps i should not have been so loud when i said "bless you" because there really was no reason for me to yell it out that loud. i guess maybe i should have kind of whispered it or kind of lip-synced it. oh well.... i don't think she would die of embarrassment or anything...

(none of the characters involved in this blog was injured in any way, so rest assured, i am not an old lady killer)

larry's daily facial exfoliation routine

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what?
you were expecting something?

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my funny valentine

okay, i know i said i wasn't going to post another blog this week, but i called in sick today and i was bored...

so, valentine's day is fast upon us. i can't wait. why you ask? well, as you know i don't have a girlfriend, but that has never stopped me from enjoying valentine's day.

here are some of my favorite things to do on valentine's day...

1) send out a single stem rose to random women and write... from someone who is always watching you.

2) make a reservation at a nice restaurant and listen in on couple's conversations and make comments.... like if a guy says "i love you", you say ... "girlfriend, he does not mean that. i promise you he says that to all the girls" before the girl has a chance to say anything.

3) and my ultimate favorite valentine's day thing to do is to dress up in a cupid outfit carrying a small tape player asking... did someone send for a stripper-gram?

i love valentine's day... and valentine's day loves me.

i figure, hey, if i am gonna feel miserable, why not make others miserable too...