bitter sweet homecoming

they want to discharge mom from the hospital. second chemo didn't work, and there is nothing more they can do for her. i will be living with her and helping her for a while, making her as comfortable as possible.

this will be a strange experience for me. when my father passed away, i was in a deployment with the navy and didn't come home until he passed away. this time though, i will be living with mom to her last days.

it's been a weird couple of weeks. a week and half ago, i thought for sure mom was not going to make it. but then, for this whole week, she has been so much better that i believed the second chemo worked. it turns out it was just all the steroid they were pumping into her that made her feel better. such a great feelings of jubilance to a bitter disappointment.

it's all okay though. i know that i still feel peace and love... i just want to make her as comfortable as possible...

on the brighter note, i did make her laugh couple of times in the hospital with my wicked sense of humor... and i have finished all six harry potter books, and read couple of other books that i didn't like too much... i think while i take care of my mom, i will be reading quite a bit...

rain falling on a sunny day

all the nurses and techs at the hospital loves mom. they will come visit her even when they are not assigned to her room. they come and give her hugs and kisses and tell her how much they love her.

my mom has been great. she still has positive attitude and there are always smiles and laughs to share. its really difficult for us to keep visitors away. we posted a sign that says "no visitor", but still they show up. i am so proud that i am a child of such a beautiful person.

she is getting very weak. couple of days ago, i thought she was not going to make it through the night, but she did. it seems like she has gained some strength after that, but she is still very weak and she is not able to get out of the bed.

one of the nurses asked us if there was something my mom is waiting on... because she has seen a lot of cancer patients and most of them at this point would have passed away.

i told her... yes, she is waiting on something. she is waiting to see her kids and grand kids one more day. she is waiting to smile her big smile one more day. she is waiting to laugh her laughter one more day...

spending all this time with my mom has offered me some peace in my heart. i know i will not spend long in sadness. i know that i will celebrate her life and also her after life. i think i am beginning to accept and be okay with her death for it is inevitable part of life...

she said... what we have here and now, aren't meant to be here forever...

come sit next to me...

chemo did not work... our doctor told us...

she said she had a dream. she said she dreamt my father, her husband, who passed away 14 years ago was sitting on a bench. he smiled at her and said... "come sit next to me"

i want to believe that she is going on a journey soon, like many journeys i have made in the past... saying good bye to my family and friends, but knowing my heart is full of excitement for what awaits me. i want to be cheerful for her journey, though it is hard to say good bye, my heart full of love and peace for happiness that awaits her...

everyday i see her smile and laugh though everyday i can sense her breath getting weaker. everyday i hold her hands and sit on her hospital bed knowing there aren't many of these left for us... i am still her baby boy...

home

my mom's hospital room has become our little home. like the old house we used to spend all our time in, me and my brothers coming in and out all day long. we haven't spent this much time together since we were little...

shock, sadness, and finally being thankful... our family and my mom are thankful for all the love we have for each other and grateful to god that we have each other. how can i be sad with that?

mom is getting weaker each day... but that was expected. if this chemo works, she should start getting better after another week. these are anxious days, but i am glad she is not suffering in pain like she has been for last couple of months.

no matter what the will of god is for my mom, i know i want to make the best of this time we have together. if she somehow pulls through, i hope i can take a trip to alaska with her next summer. she wanted to see the alaskan rockies...

my world turned upside down...

last week has been a difficult week for me. my head feels so heavy and cloudy that i am not sure if this is the reality or i am just walking around dreaming.

all the tests results came in positive. my mom has ovarian cancer that has spread to her lungs and limp nodes. it is stage iv cancer. it is still a shock to her and all of us... cancer. it happens to other people, but it really can't happen to us... well, it did.

i have been spending every night at the hospital since her admission. we talked, we cried, we laughed, we held hands, we prayed...

i am not sure how long she has and it will be a difficult time for all of us, but she has been strong and that has helped me to be stronger than i thought i could be...

for those of you who wish to pray for her, she wishes that you pray for her strenghth, peace, love and serenity to accept god's will whatever it may be...