dream is a wish our heart makes...

i had a dream last night... i was out at sea in this small boat...

and i saw this woman... a beautiful girl... who was drowning, and i wanted to help her, i wanted to save her...

i looked around and saw a piece of rope nearby, so i tossed it out to her...

and i pulled and pulled... thinking maybe god has sent me the girl of my dreams... and i prayed to god please let me be her knight in shining armour and save her...

in the hind sight, maybe i should have explained it to her to tie the rope around her waist not to her neck....

anyway, so i dumped the body back in the water and acted like i saw nothing...

and the winner is...

this weekend, i read "darkly dreaming dexter". there also is a show on showtime called "dexter". anyway, what i like the best about this guy is that he is not capable of feeling. so, he fakes it. i can definitely relate, especially when it comes to dating. i am always trying to figure out what i am suppose to do, or not do, to make sure the girl does not get mad at me, and i have no idea.

i haven't asked a girl out in years. last three times i went out on dates, they approached me. of course, it never leads to anything because as i have said, i am not going to do anything to encourage them or discourage them. i have no idea what they think and i don't really care. i just show up for dinner, talk to them, go get a drink with them or a movie, and go home. no guesses, no worries... and for some reason, this feels really good because i have eliminated what i hate the most about dating... trying to figure out what i am suppose to do...

there are some fear of rejection on my part. however, i have a bigger fear of acceptance. i can't be in a meaningful relationship, that will mess up my happy little life. i don't want to be responsible for taking care of and caring about someone's feelings. i don't want that kind of responsibility... that would totally ruin my happy-go-lucky-guy persona i have going here...

and sex... that's just crazy. how am i suppose to feel comfortable with these total strangers? i feel like i am being judged on a compulsory routine at a gymnastics competition. i am constantly thinking about my balance, positioning, and of course that all dreaded dismount.

one time, because i wanted to impress the girl so much, i tried my triple axle double twist dismount and broke my ankle. i knew i wasn't ready for it, but i just wanted to impress her. anyway, all i am saying is that it is just crazy. it's just not worth it for me. even though, it would be nice to win a gold medal in an international competition...

i can just see myself standing on a platform naked while the national anthem plays in the background with gold medal dangling on my proud chest, a condom barely hanging on to the last remanance of my exhausted manhood... while a blonde babe with a swedish accent announces... and ze winner iz...

anyway, what i am trying to say here is that... i think i have no feelings... and i love it!

one sick puppy

i started to feel kind of sick yesterday afternoon, so i went home.

every thirty minutes, i had to go to the bathroom. i was peeing out of my butt all night. i think this happened because i wrote about diarrhea last week.

anyway, at one point i was thinking... geez... i need to get some sleep and i can't be going to the bathroom every thirty minutes... so, i decided mayde i should stuff my butt with something, something like a cork. then i thought... what about a tampon? so, as i was inserting "easy glide light day" tampon up my butt (i have a sensitive butt and did not want to try the regular one), my wife walks in the bedroom. so, i am like... this is not what it looks like... i just wanted to get some sleep..

(this story has been embellished a little... just a little. i don't have a wife)

a good looking guy's flirting is an ugly guy's sexual harassment suit

two julies share an office and i stop by and talk to them at least once a day.

last week at julie's office as i walk in...

julie #1: hey, i like the pants you got on today!

julie #2: yeah, it makes your butt look good.

julie #1: you have been working out, haven't you?

me: yeah...

julie #1: we can tell. when you get ready to leave, we want you to walk out very slowly so we can watch your butt.

julie #2: do you think we are sexually harassing larry?

julie #1: oh, don't worry about that. larry sexually harasses all women. haven't you seen his blog?

me: doh!



today, i walked into julie's office...

julie: look at you! look at your outfit! you look like you stepped right out of the banana republic catalog.

me: really?

julie: yeah, most of guys would look gay in that outfit.

anyway, so i killed her and dumped her body in the nearby river.

a fate is the biggest lie we tell ourselves

each time i see her, i wish i could be with her for the rest of my life, and then she opens her mouth and speaks... and i just want to be alone for the rest of my life.

i drink to make other people interesting

if you have an upset stomach... say, diarrhea... should you run fast or walk slowly to the bathroom?

here is my thought, if you run or walk fast, you can actually accelerate the percolating process and have a premature detonation due to it's already volatile state because when you walk fast or run, your body gets jerked around quite a bit...

if you walk slowly and cautiously as if you are walking with a bunch of dynamite in your hand, then i think maybe you can make it to the bathroom without actually having an accident. of course this will take longer, so you may have an accident due to the extended transit period.

another question, what if you feel like you are going to have a diarrhea and vomit at the same time... should you sit on the toilet and try to quickly change position to vomit position or should you position yourself in front of the toilet in vomit position and quickly try to jump on the sit?

oooops, i did it again...

so, i went out to the comedy club with beth. i looked into her eyes and i said... your eyes are beautiful and i am not just saying that because i see my reflections in them. to be honest, i don't think she has beautiful eyes... i just thought it would be a funny thing to say and that i thought maybe she would laugh.. well, she didn't, and needless to say i didn't get any.

however, the boob girl from my blog "girls are like pianos, if they are not upright, they are grand" asked me if i was mad at her because i didn't call her after our last date. i told her i just have been sick. anyway, we are going out to dinner this weekend and this time i am gonna try to not have any intimate conversations with her boobs while she is talking... who am i kidding? i can't do that. i just am not capable of doing that. a phrase comes to my mind when i think about myself in dating situations and that phrase is... arrested development.

Q: What happens to an Asian man who runs into a wall and has a full erection?
A: He breaks his nose.

did i forget to mention that i have an unusally large nose for an asian guy? serious...

asian glossary

twinkie: asian guys who act white. only dates white people. (me for now, someone pointed out to me that i have no asian girls on my website www.ipartywithlarry.com)
fob (fresh off the boat): recent immigrants from asian countries (me twenty some years ago)
asian-american: you claim yourself to be an asian, but real asians think you are not... you are a white-washed asian. (brandon lee)
fobabee: asian-americans who wants to reclaim their asian heritage even though they were born and raised in america (my friend tom)
tab (trendy asian biatch): dresses nice and white guys love them (lisa ling)
hoochie tab: dresses nice and white guys love them, but unlike tab, hoochie tabs don't do well in school (possibly bad at math), don't play the piano, and gets into fights (lucy lu)
fobulous: fob in "fobulous" stands for fabulous oriental being and not fresh off the boat. you are a good dancer and you have many white and asian friends (me in the future)

by the way, i can make fun of asians because i am an asian. if you are a white person, please don't make any jokes about asians or long duk dong on my website. it is considered a bad etiquette and you will never be invited to my eggroll party if you do...

a car full of girls screaming at me...

it was a cool autumn afternoon. after a long humid summer, i was especially excited about having an opportunity to drive around in my convertible without having to sweat like a ten dollar hooker at a confession.

the traffic light turned and i had to stop and wait... wait for the light to change to green, so i may take off again. while waiting, i had this feeling that someone was looking at me... it's a strange sensation, especially because normally i am so busy staring at other people (and when i say people what i mean is girls... cute girls...) so anyway, as flock of seagulls belching out "and i ran so far away" blared out of my $19.99 radio shack speakers, i slowly turned my head, and could not believe what i saw...

there was a car full of girls next to me and they were all looking at me... believe it or not... this embarassed me for some reason... so i acted like a cool guy, a kind of a cool guy who is used to having girls stare at... yeah, baby... i am cool like that...

i could hardly believe what happened next. i could hear them saying something... so i look over, and they are all pointing at me and saying something... something that i could hardly understand... it sounded like... you are so hot... or perhaps... your car is on fire...

what! my car is on fire? i looked back at my engine compartment and sure enough... there was smoke coming out of it... the fact that my car was on fire did not phase me much... however, the embarassment that these girls were not actually looking at me thinking that i was hot... now, that bothered me...i mean... come on... for once, why can't you just think that i am hot!!! for once, why can't i just be cool like that?

so anyway, after the fire truck which arrived shortly, and my car was removed from the streets. i was stuck at a gas station calling my friend to give me a ride home...

oh what a tragic ending to such a fine day...

i think a good way to meet a girl would be to just hit her car with your car. that way, you would have to exchange phone numbers...

i'm no superman

larry: hey, check out my new larry paper doll!

julie: ummm... do you own a super man outfit? is that your real body? (looks me up and down)

larry: well, i did stuff some socks, but i ain't gonna tell you exactly where...

julie: your shoulders?

larry: close... but, not exactly...


larry paper doll is going on sale today, and it will cost you less than a dollar. for $0.99, you can have little larry of your own. don't delay... send your money now...