stardom

since i was a little boy, i have dreamed of being a star... of what? ... i have no idea. but, i just wanted to be a star. a movie star, a rock star, a soccer star, a synchronized swimming star... i don't care, i just wanted to be a star, okay?

recently, i started to think about why i really wanted to be a star. what was it about being a star that i desired so intensely... and it finally hit me like a ton of bricks. it is a stalker that i desire. that's right. i want my own stalker. someone who will watch me from a far, breaking into my house when i am not home, going through my stuff, calling me at all hours of the day and night, and even threatening to kill me because if she can't have me than no one can. man, wouldn't that be just awesome!!! i mean, to me, that is like the ultimate love and sacrifice.

anyway, it has always been a distant dream that i could never have... or was it? a few days ago, this woman (whom i shall call "bambie" to maintain her anonymity) offered to be my very own stalker. i could not believe it. could this be really happening to me? i mean... it's too good to be true. i got down on my knees and said... please, if this is a dream, don't wake me...

well, so far i have not heard back from my stalker, but i am sure she will soon mail me a note using the letters from some newspaper and magazine clippings. i can hardly wait. anyway, just in case, she gets hit by a truck or heaven forbid... lose interest in me, i was hoping maybe i could recruit a back-up-stalker. would anyone be interested? i know i am asking a lot of time and effort on this, but come on.... i have given so much to stalkerism, i deserve one...

anyway, since i have had so much experience with stalking, i thought maybe i could help out with few tips to my new stalker. so, here it goes...

1. unlike other stalkies, i am very cooperative, so please don't hesitate to ask me for my house key. i really don't want any windows broken, please.
2. while you are in my house, would you mind throwing a few of my whites in the washing machine? warm wash/cold rinse, large load, and delicate cycle please...
3. sometimes i forget to turn off my coffee machine before going to work, so if you could check and turn it off if it happens to be on, i would appreciate it.
4. if you want any pictures of me, don't bother buying a camera, i will lend you mine. it already has some pictures of me in it to save you some time.
5. okay, if you are still around when my washing machine goes off, would you mind putting them in the dryer? thanks, again
6. don't forget to lock the door before you leave... if you decide to stay in my closet, please don't make any noise after midnight... i really need my beauty rest... thanks in advance :-)

well, i guess that is about all the advice i have for now. if you have any other questions, please don't hesitate to call me, marsha. (ooops, i wasn't suppose say your name)

hugs 101, part 2

okay, first i am glad to say that i am back from my nasty trip to houston where i had to work more than my regular 1 hour of actually work and 7 hours of goofing off. it was killing me, i tell you. worse yet, they wanted to take me out to eat in the evenings and my internet connection in my hotel room was not working... and blah, blah, blah... anyway, i am so happy to be back home, and back together with my blog. blog... i love you...

now, back to huggies disscussion...

next hug is "i like you, but not like that" hug. this hug involves two arms, but arms never go around the neck, it goes over the shoulders. also, you never ever lift your foot off the ground. you have to maintain both feet on the ground at all times, otherwise you are risking a miscommunication, and you never want to do that. now, for this hug, you do not stick out your butt as far as you do with previous hugs, but sticking out of butt is optional. again, quick tap on the back means... "okay, get your hands off of me now"

next hug is "i like you" hug. there is definitely less concern with wrinkling of clothes or making too much physical contact. with this hug, following are optional:
1. squeeze
2. rest your head on the other person's shoulder
3. lift your heels and stand on your toes

however, following are inappropriate:
1. move your hand down to the other party's buttocks area
2. trying to guess the other person's cup size
(at this point, i would like to apologize to my mom and suzanne. this is just for the humor sake. i am not like that. i promise... i am a good boy)

last and the most important hug is "i love you" hug. this hug takes on many forms, and i have never gotten this hug before, but i have seen it on tv, movies, and also when i used to stalk regularly (just kidding). anyway, this is the only hug that you are allowed to completely leave the ground and jump on the other person. you could also lift one foot and bend your knee more than 90 degrees while standing on your toes with the other foot. anyway, i don't know much about this hug, so i am just gonna stop it here.

i hope this huggie moments were helpful to you women folks out there. i think it is important for us to know what kind of message you are sending when you hug someone. remember, it's always better to be safe than to miss the dismount and end up falling on your face.

if you have any questions about these hugs or want to find out more about hugs, please email larry (that's me). i will be more than happy to send my new book "guide to better hugs by larry kim". it is only $19.99 and i, personally, guarantee that this book will make a good coffee table book or bathroom reading. don't forget to ask about 90 days same as cash credit plan brought to you by "larry kim's loan sharking services, inc."

hugs 101, part 1

today i want to talk about hugs. why hugs? because i just love hugs. i will hug just about anybody. okay, i am lying. i will only hug people that i like.

anyway, over the years, i have noticed that there are several different kinds of hugs women will give men. so, i figure this would be an opportune moment to flaunt my knowledge of hugs, and perhaps impress some ladies out there... you know who you are... basically, any women, and all women.

first, there is "i don't like you, but i don't want to make a scene" hug. now this hug is probably the one that i often get, but hey, i never complain about hugs. for this hug, a woman has to have a good balance, poise, and also good flexibility. here is how it works. a woman will balance herself on one foot, while leaning her shoulder sideways as far as she can, the purpose of this move is to distance main part of her body as far away from her subject as possible. while doing this, she maneuvers her arm around her subject and also turns her face away from the subject. the hugger and the huggie should end up facing the same direction, and only part of the contact between two are just a little part of side of their shoulders. now, here is the important component of this hug. how much you turn your face away from the huggie determines how much the hugger dislikes the huggie. i hope you will keep that in mind...

next hug is "i will hug you but i don't want any wrinkles on my clothes" hug. for this hug, it is important to lean over to the huggie while maintaining minimal body contact. this can be accomplished by sticking out one's butt and leaning forward. this way you ensure a safe distance from the huggie (especially in the crotch area) while offering only top of your shoulder. also, use just one arm and quickly tap on the back of the huggie. some women that has had a lot of practice can accompllish this task without actually making any physical contact, and that is indeed impressive. most women though will end up either touching one of their shoulders on a man's chest or sometimes when they are inexperienced, they may even make cheek to cheek contact. at this point, it almost defeats the whole purpose of this intricate manuever. so, my advice , ladies, if you do not want to take a chance, please go with a safer move.

before going into next hug, i want to point out that everyone should know that a tap on the back means... hug is over, let me go now. so, whenever you want to get out of a hug, remember to tap. now, if huggie is clueless, you may tap harder and more often, if that doesn't work, pepper spray use would not be unreasonable.

well, i will continue with more hugs next blog, but for now, i need to go to bed...

egomaniacal me

it has come to my attention recently, and unexpectly, that there are some people out there in this world that actually do not like me. i find this hard to believe, i mean, how can anyone not like me. what is there not to love? of course, i could just ignore this person, assume that this is an anomaly, and assume that it probably will never happen again. but as you know, i have hard time letting things go and my mom will be the first to point that out. apparently, right after my birth, i attempted to go back into her womb, and there was a quite a bit of struggle. of course, the blunt of the trauma was on my mother's side, but hey, i don't remember, allright?!!

so, i have decided to analyze this. what possible reason could this person have to dislike me? is it my fragile yet gigantic ego? but, women love men with ego. that has been proven over and over again. could it be that i am not romantic? that can not be, for i have given many women some fine loving, and at times they have even given me discounts. could it be because i do not regularly bathe? but, women love rugged men. that is why i use my old spice cologne. so, what could possibly be the problem? i think it is clear that this woman must be a lesbian or crazy.

so, i walked over to my wife and i said, "you must be a lesbian or crazy". well, after the emergency room visit, i am resting comfortably in my bed with enough pain killer to down an elephant in heat. anyway, now that i think about it, i am not even married, and i don't have a wife... oh well, more pain killer for me...

weakness of mine

one of my biggest weakness is my inability to say no. i guess the problem is that i don't like it when people say no to me, so i feel awfully guilty when i say no. i am really afraid that i am hurting someone's feelings by saying no. i call it the can't-say-no syndrome.

i don't go to any fast food restaurants anymore because every time i go to mcdonalds, i come home with one hamburger and twenty french fries, all supersized. i am positive the reason they ask "would you like some fries with that?" is for people like me.

so, anyway, to help me with this problem i have developed a new product. It's called "no machine". it says no's for you. you just press the button and it will say "NO!" so, i have been using this "no machine" for a while now, then i ran into these parents in the blog world. they say that their daughters are... umm, how should i say this... well, not very up-tight, if you know what i mean. anyway, so, i told them maybe i could help them. first, i asked for their daughters' names and their numbers, and i dated them for a while (just kidding). well, anyway, i thought maybe what they were having problems with is just saying no. so, i figure if they have my "no machine", then they may never have to say no again because my "no-machine" will do it for them.

well, anyway, three law suits later, i am thinking maybe it wasn't such a great idea after all. but, i had another idea. what about i-can't-say-no anonymous group. where people who are afflicted with this mental disorder can come together and support each other. but then my friend, kevin, pointed out... "dude, we have enough problem with girls saying no already". i guess he is right....

neighbor kids

so, i have these neighbor kids who like to come over to my house. what can i say? kids just love me. anyway, we are sitting at my front porch, and there is josh, who is 8, and there is jonah, who is 9, and there is tyler, who is 10, and then there is... okay, i am making these names up. i have no idea what their names are and all I know is that they are old enough to be out of diapers and not old enough to drive. i just thought if i acted like i knew their names and their age, it would make it sound like i really care about kids.

anyway, so they are sitting around drinking my beer, and i am like... hey, you kids stop drinking my beer. and they just laugh and laugh, and you know when kids are laughing, it's really hard to resist. so, anyway, i let them have their beer. also, last time i tried to stop them, they beat the living day lights out of me. so, i guess you could say we have this like father/son kind of relationship.

so, anyway, they asked me if i have ever been with a woman. well, i mean i have this image to protect, so i told them... yeah, sure, i have... plenty of times. and they were like ... "really, so what is it like?"... at this point, i guess i got a little bit nervous and started to go into panic mode. i had to think really fast, and only thing i could think of was what i learned in the sex education class in high school. so, i said... yeah, i was with a woman and i got gonorrhea.

anyway, so, now the kids think i am like the coolest guy ever. but, my point here is that you should never lie even if the kids think you are cool. from now on, i am not going to lie to those kids ever again...

my dog boo

okay, i have noticed that i have been spending a lot of time leaving comments on other people's blogs. this is all well and good, but the problem is that i have been neglecting my poor ole blog. i realize that i need to change this, and today is the first day of my new blog life.

i wonder if melonface has written any new blogs... be right back.

okay, i am back. let's see... what is on my mind... my dog... yes, my dog is ... how should i say this... very dumb even for a dog. i am beginning to wonder if he should be sent to a special doggie school. we went to obedience school, and we didn't do well. he just could not get along with other dogs. sure, i tried to talk to the instructors and other dog owners, but they all seem to think it's my dog that is the problem. anyway, we got kicked out of the school. i mean this was a prestigious doggie school where if he could have done well, man, his future would have been bright. so, anyway, now i am kinda homeschooling the dog. everyday i try to teach him to sit, stand, and roll over. he just does not seem interested though, most of the time he just ignores me and keeps on typing away on his computer. ridiculous... right? i mean i keep telling him, listen you dog... nobody is going to read a book written by a dog, especially not an autobiography. i just don't know what else to do at this point...

parental pride

inspired by maria
http://thegirlwithin.blogspot.com/2004/08/tales-of-potty.html

as i was reading "tales of potty", i could not help but to wonder what it would be like to run into that child.. say twenty some years from now at his wedding. i would imagine conversation would go something like this...

me: hey, there you are,little fellow. congratulations! ... you know, i remember when your mom told the whole world about tales of your potty training.
isaiah: ummm. yes sir.
me: yup, your mommy was so proud that you were able to finally take an aim and pee freely.
isaiah: this is so embarassing.
me: and look at you now, all grown up. getting married, got your doctors degree. who would have thought that little booger who could hardly pee correctly would be such a success.
isaiah: oh my god...
me: yup, the whole community of bloggers are proud of you, son...

:-) i hope i didn't embarass you, maria. i am just being silly.

anyhoo, i have a similar story in my past. i was 13 years old when i had my appedix removed. after the operation, my parents sat by my hospital bed with hopes of successful outcome. the doctor told them that it would be a good sign if i finally .... um. .. how should i say this, okay, generated flatulence because that meant everything was working properly. so, when i finally ripped a loud one... okay, at this point i would like to explain something here. i was under heavy sedation, and this, by no means, is my normal public behavior. how i imparted such ferocity and vigor upon the public with complete disregard for environmental disruption and hazard is still beyond my comprehesion. now, back to the story. anyway, so when i did that, my parents applauded and jumped up and down in joy. oh, what a moment that was. as difficult and painful it was for me to laugh, i couldn't help but to laugh at all of this. i still laugh about it.

for my proud mom and dad, i love you. and if your sons and daughters are too embarassed now to say it, i will say it for them. just think of me as your son or your daughter who is not as attractive as your own, and little bit creepy... i love you, mom. i love you, dad.

it has also given me an idea. what if... you know, when people sneeze, we say "bless you". what if we start applauding when people farted in public, and this becomes an accepted practice. just a thought....

self-worth

inspired by melonface
http://melonface.blogspot.com/2004/08/summers-resolutions.html

well, let's face it. most of us don't like ourselves. me, on the other hand, love myself. maybe too much. if loving me is wrong, i don't wanna be right. but even the strongest of personality can sometimes falter when faced with rejections and down-right meanness of people. this is when we need some help to find ourselves again, and learn to love ourselves again. i have been struggling a little in loving myself, so i have decided to take some steps to correct this situation. i knew to love myself as much as i used to, i had to spend more time with myself, and really get to know who i really am once again.

so, i started to spend more time with myself. i started to take moonlight strolls with myself, have a lovely candle light dinner and share a nice bottle of wine with myself, tried to get myself drunk and take advantage of myself... no ... wait, that is no good. you should never do that, and i did not do that. anyway, and one night i had a pillow fight with myself. i was so giddy... i just laughed and laughed... that was so much fun... and i finally began to break through that barrier that was keeping myself from loving myself.

just when i thought things were going so well, things started to change. i started to argue more often with myself. i started to distance myself from ... myself, i started to drink more and talk less. and one night, i found a lipstick on my shirt. oh my god, i have been cheating on myself! how could i have not seen this? it was so obvious and i was just lying to myself. I hate myself... i hope i never see myself again...